That being said, I have a question (and rant, if you will): is this normal? You have an easy (in your opinion at least) first year. Everyone tells you the first year is the hardest, and you think to yourself, "Wow, if that was supposed to be the hardest, we've got it good!"
Then a few weeks after your first anniversary you sense a shift. It's subtle, like you don't even really notice it. A few more weeks go by and then you realize, yes, something has changed. The proverbial honeymoon is over. The sweet man who gladly did the dishes after you made dinner has gone on a hiatus and left in his place the man who says he'll do it in the morning. And, yet, when it comes down to it, it's spread.
Not to say the romance is gone, but it's not ablaze like it was when you celebrated your first year with a great date. It's kind of like you have to remind him to turn off the TV and come eat dinner with you. And, you feel bad for it. Why in the world would you feel bad for that? Not a guilty sort of bad, but a "mean mommy" sort of bad.
Or, you realize that while you and your husband don't really "fight" about these little things it's become easier to pull out your passive aggressive side when you feel stretched too thin. And, it's not pretty. Not at all. And, it's hard to just tuck it back away when you're quietly annoyed and have a social obligation. It's hard to want to go out with friends, be carefree and have fun like you did when you were engaged and your future seemed nothing less than perfect.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love my husband and knew he was not a perfect person and I am far from it as well. I know I can be hard to deal with. I know I can shut down when I'm in a bad mood. I know I end up giving him the silent treatment. And I hate that. But, I also know that there's been a shift. And, it's so subtle that it only really surfaces when we're tired and we get lazy with each other's feelings.
And, honestly this can often leave me feeling lonelier than when I was single.
And, even though there are flashes of brilliance here and there, the consistency is lacking. And, that's what I totally didn't expect. I fully expected him to always be the person I dated, fell in love with, was engaged to, married and loved to gush about. Not for him to very slowly
Are we too comfortable? Is that what happens in marriage? Is this what's meant by the saying "The honeymoon's over?" Is it likely your second year is more challenging than your first?
6 comments:
Thank you for being so open. I am in my third year, and I, too, am dealing, have been dealing, with this ... disorder ... in my husband. He is no longer knight in shinning armor, more like lazy potato on couch... I hope things get better for you. It is an awfully lonely feeling when the one you always thought would be your bff isn't on the same page as you or doesn't put the effort anymore.. I am so sorry that you, too are having to experience this. Perhaps this is just a phase, and at some point he begins to turn things around and become more like my father, the way I thought he was on our first date. <3 Hang in there, I hope he realizes soon and turns things around! :)
This is the hardest thing about marriage. I believe that you simply can't be in that honeymoon stage forever, not in real life. We can't be in close proximity and share everything with anyone in this world and not feel this way. It is hard to face but then he will do something to make you remember how you used to feel and you'll be okay. It will shift and you will wonder what the problem ever was and then it will shift again and back and forth. It's part of sharing your entire being with someone. It just can't be wonderful all the time.
I don't think that the first year is the hardest on couples- I think the first COUPLE of years is hardest on couples! A year is really not that long of a time to get to know someone so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself or on him. I know I've only been married for three months and I ALWAYS have had to argue with my husband to come and clean up his sh*t. You guys will adjust and will get used to one another and form a routine- its natural to do this. Once that routine gets normal I think you'll find things will go back more to how they were before, but right now you both probably are at least on some level resenting each other for changing your normal way of life. Talk with him about it, I'm sure he feels frustrated like you do.
P.S. There is something for you at my blog. =]
Going thru the same thing right now....some days are a lot better than others......some days I just want to scream!! We are reading I Promise by Gary Smalley in our small group right now & it's definitely helping us get on the right path!!
Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. I'm about to get married and instead of being overjoyed, I find myself having many doubts and worries about our future life. In fact, he's the one who actually said the line "it'll work because we love each other". And believe me, I was grateful to hear that, I do love him, but I still worry.
So I just wish you the best! and maybe remind your husband that a marriage needs both work and love. Don't just cruise on autopilot through your life together.
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