I want to get your honest to goodness opinions on something. I may be putting too much information out there, but I’ve had this one struggle since being married and I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this. It’s called “time management”. (Huh? You’re saying.) Let me explain further.
You see, I go to great lengths to make sure that I have enough down time in my life. I’ve mentioned before that I have Migraine and if I go too fast for too long it will rear its ugly head at me and bring me to a screeching halt (for days sometimes). Whether I have “plans” or not. It doesn’t care. So, I have to be sure to give myself enough rest on the weekends and during the week if need be. And, to be sure to get enough sleep.
So, since I’ve been married (well, really since the husband and I have been spending every weekend together (yes, this was pre-wedding. Go ahead and judge) and having LOTS of plans) I’ve found it hard to communicate this to my husband to where he truly understand. (Yes, he knows I have Migraine and he's seen how it affects me.) I think one reason it's hard to really make him understand is because he just doesn’t need as much sleep as I do on a regular basis. For real, the man can function on like four hours. Me, not so much. I generally try and set boundaries on how late we’ll be out and making bigger late night plans on a Saturday when I’m well rested.
And, perhaps one character flaw about me is that when I’m done, I’m done. As in, when I’ve had my fill and I’m tired and ready to go home and sleep I’m really done. You can’t convince me to “cheer up” or “just one more drink” or "how about some coffee". It doesn’t work. I’m not interested. Which means I turn into the bad guy (or bad wife) in others opinion. And, I get so damn tired of people thinking I won’t let my husband stay out late. I don’t care if he stays out late, but if we go somewhere together I expect him to respect the boundaries we have set. And, often he gets talked into staying meaning I have to stay as well.
So, when I get upset about being out too late on a Tuesday then I’m a bitch. I’m the one who made us leave and I’m the one who (according to his friends) wouldn’t let him stay and sing more karaoke. And I don’t think that’s fair. When we have a conversation about how late we’ll stay and make an agreement on it I expect you to stick to it. Call me crazy, but that’s how I roll.
How do you ladies handle these types of things? I really don’t want to have to “remind” him in front of his friends about our deal. It sounds so controlling and catty and just feels awful. But, at the same time it makes me feel as if he’d rather hang out and have fun that hold up his end of the bargain. Know what I’m saying’?
And, I hate going to bed angry when the night started off so fun. Again, maybe it’s a character flaw and I’m not “going with the flow” enough, but I know my own limits.
My apologies for this long-is rant. I know I can’t be the only new wife out there trying to come to grips with our “schedule”. Thanks for listening and if you have any pointers please do share. I’m obviously having trouble finding my balance with my very social husband's scheduling. Many thanks!
6 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. I'm not married but we live together. I can't say I've really found a solution yet but It has gotten better. I make sure that we talk about it before we leave or on the way there. I don't drink as much as my bf but I don't think that gives him free reign to get wasted every time we go out because I'm the designated driver. It's not fun for me. I like to go to bed much earlier than he does and I wake up much earlier. I do my share and give in and stay out a lot later than I would normally but when I'm tired I'm the same as you. I want to go. What I like to do is invite people to our house, it saves us money and I can sit and relax on my own couch when I'm feeling tired. That seems to work the best.
Are the people who are complaining single guys? If that's the case, I hate to say it but they are just jealous that your man found such a wonderful woman. If he's not single then you need to get on the same page as the other wives/girlfriends. Women usually stick together...at least in these situations!
I would think that you need to compromise...in ohter words, have nights where you agree ahead of time that there is no time parameters and you can't try to get him to leave early - and then he has to do the same with nights that you set a "leave" time. And you both agree that it's non-negotiable. My father used to say that nothing good happens after midnight, but I think he was wrong. :)
Actually, I deal with the same issue, less the migraines (so sorry about that by the way).
I'm with TUWABVB - as usual, it's a compromise thing. If I suspect I want an early night, I'll set that expectation with him before we go out. He's the king of "one more drink . . .", so on those nights I'll tell him we need to leave about 1/2 hour before I actually want to leave. Other nights, I'm fine to stay home and just let him do his thing. Like with most things, it is a balancing act.
I run into the same problem! I get killer migraines and while he sees how they affect me, he doesn't really get it because he's never had one AND he can function on little sleep, which is nearly impossible for me. After all these years we have finally found a middle ground and we split our time. He keeps at something while I turn in early. It's worked so far...
This is very hard! I am sorry you are having to deal with this.I hope you find a good solution. I wish I had some good advice.
We've dealt with this issue before but normally I'm the one on the "just one more drink" end with my husband being the one that wants to go home. Have you thought about just letting him stay by himself sometimes? We've done that before where he's been tired and I've been having fun so I'll just catch a ride with friends. Or we've driven apart to things so he can leave when he's ready (this is normally for a work function that he gets extremely bored at). Then there are times that we'll set a "leave time" before we get out of the car and I'm good about sticking to them.
BUT...I would explain to your husband that it hurts your feelings for his friends to think of you as being "a bitch" and that he needs to set the record straight. If they aren't total dirt bags they should understand.
Good luck sweetie. Let us know what you decide to do. XOXO
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